apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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