My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
