There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
