it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
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On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
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Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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