you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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