I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
