I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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