I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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