It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
