a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
