Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
