my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
