i permit you to call me
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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