I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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