If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
