my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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