An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
