I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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