Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
