In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
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you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize