Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
