I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
