you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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