"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
