sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
