Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i love accidental penises.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
