my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
