My friends, they love my intelligence
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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