remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
