i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
