So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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