if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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