Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
