Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
