shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In other news, I just burned my penis
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize