they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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