if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
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