he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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