Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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