i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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