I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It was a blind-side dick pic.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
