my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
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I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
bring money and cleavage
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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