Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
