so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
