I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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