i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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