I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
