Soap is not a condiment
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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