Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
