Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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