The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
