i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Found your dick twin last night
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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