I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
