He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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