Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?