Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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