Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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